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An Out-of-Towner’s Guide to Maneuvering a Biscuit Festival

June 30, 2010

#1 Anticipate the lines and wake up early.

Translation: don’t get drunk the night before at the hotel bar, nor underestimate a Southerner’s passion for the biscuit.

#2 Purchase the ticket to please your belly.

Translation: there will probably be a “sampler” ticket offered for a lesser price than the per price cost of purchasing a biscuit at each tent, thus this is also why it is important to arrive early. Please your bank account as well.

#3 Take your time.

Translation: the festival will probably be happening all day, or at least all morning, but consider acting as if you are at a Shoney’s or a university cafeteria – get your fill before others leave you with scraps. They probably have made enough biscuits for everyone, piggy, but don’t bet on it.

#4 Be willing to wait in line for the biscuits you absolutely must sample.

Translation: the festival will probably be happening all day, or at least all morning… As you can see, this number is quite similar to the one prior. Enjoy your biscuit brethren.

#5 Assess the location, and pick out a nice shady spot.

Translation: this shady spot will come in handy when you need to nurse your biscuit food baby. The biscuit-itis can be excruciating and a cool, comfortable spot on a wicked hot morning can be essential for digestion and a successful round two. Try coffee or tea to help flush the body. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

#6 Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and don’t turn down anything that is offered to you.

Translation: You are from out of town, so why would you assume that these biscuit chefs would steer you wrong. And know that others ain’t scared to throw an elbow or push their child all willy-nilly down the busy biscuit walk to steal your spot in line. Say bye-bye baby.

#7 Find a pretty face (or just one that is willing) with which to strike up a conversation.

Translation: there is nothing better than listening to a local tell you – with a mouthful of biscuit, mind you – about how momma makes a better biscuit, or how the hardtack they are eating needs some chocolate or tomato gravy to “loosen up them granules” because “a body ain’t meant to swaller that density.”

#8 Don’t be afraid to look lost. Some vendors will swoop you up like a ten year old child walking home from school and shove a biscuit in your face.

Translation: The vendors have set up shop at the biscuit festival in order to demonstrate their wares and entice you to their restaurants and establishments. Listen to their stories and spiels about why their biscuit is the best. Accept your biscuit but never get into the car with them. You’ll be cutting lard into dough in no time.

#9 Know that there will be homemade ice cream served around noon.

Translation: Be willing to spit out anything that does not meet your fancy, or something from which all the flavor has been assessed through mastication without the need to swallow. Again, assess your surroundings and know where the trash receptacles are located.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 1, 2010 3:05 pm

    By the way, I tried to start my own project this summer, but Wal-Mart now refuses to develop any film I give them. IT’S NOT OBSCENE IF THE FACES ARE BLURRED OUT, WALTONS.

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